Arguing With What Is, Part II (Feel Your Feels)
TL;DR
It’s important to let yourself feel your feelings.
A key part of doing this is to stay connected to your body and out of your head.
Once again, I'm turning this week's Words of Wisdom post over to Liza, who has a fantastic follow-up to last week's piece on acknowledging the things we can't control.
It's all yours, Liza!
In my post last week I wrote about how emotional it can be to acknowledge what we can’t control, but that feeling those feelings is sometimes key to tackling what we can control. (If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to give it a read.)
In this piece, I’ll walk through one version of what is, at its heart, a very simple practice.
A practice to notice and feel your feelings.
However, as is the case with most “simple” things, it’s actually rather subtle, nuanced, and layered, so as the older sister worry-wart that I am, I feel compelled to add about 1,000,000 caveats. Fortunately, our web hosting service doesn’t allow for such a long article, so I’ve tried to keep it to some key points. (But I do encourage you to go forth and experiment with and learn more about this very simple but very BIG topic*.)
But enough perseverating, on to the good stuff!
The mechanics of emotion are still debated, but at a basic level, “feelings” are the aptly named physical responses our bodies have to an experience or thought. These physical responses can then lead to an interpretation (i.e. “I feel sad”) and/or a behavioral response (ie. crying).
I mention this here, because it points to the necessity of paying attention to your body in this process. Now, I have all the empathy in the world for the natural and protective urge to avoid embodiment (experiencing the world through your body and senses) BUT, for the sake of this exercise, I urge you to give it a gentle try. Because the moment you play with trying to “think” your way into figuring out what you’re “feeling” you realize what an amusing contradiction in terms it is.
So if you’ve identified some circumstances you can’t control and you realize you have some FEELINGS about them that are making it hard to focus on what you cancontrol, give this practice a try:
REALIZE THERE ARE FEELINGS: Notice that there is emotion coming up in response to what you can’t control. If you’re able, avoid judging them, and rather get curious and even name the emotion/s that is/are bubbling up.
GET INTO YOUR BODY: Note where in your body the emotion is and what it feels like – get playful and intuit its color, texture, what images occur to you – anything to be as present as possible with the PHYSICAL FEELING (not the thoughts).
LET IT OUT: This can be in the form of a good ‘ole cry, a big ‘ole scream (just be gentle with your voices, performers!), jumping up and down or stamping your feet, pushing against a wall as hard as you can, punching a pillow, or just shaking your whole body in full on toddler mode. In general, movement, breath, and sound are your friends in this process.
STAY PRESENT, CURIOUS & NOTICE SHIFTS: As you’re in the throes of step 3, KEEP paying attention to how it feels in your body and notice if/when things shift or change. If you start going into a thought/story spiral, bring it back to a moment-to-moment exploration of how you’re feeling in your body. (Hint: a great way to notice if you’re getting into story is if you find yourself thinking more in words, rather than bodily experience.) Notice – is that knot in your stomach melting slightly? Do your shoulders feel like they can suddenly release their death grip on your ears? Is your breath moving lower into your body, offering your back a massage you didn’t think was possible?
OFFER YOURSELF LOVE, COMFORT & CREDIT: It takes an enormous amount of bravery to simply be with ourselves and our feelings. See if you can hold yourself (and this can literally mean giving yourself a hug) with all the love and comfort you would offer to a little kid after they’ve had a big cry. And then give yourself the credit for your bravery.
This can feel really scary to do — but do you know what? It helps.
Every time I let myself have the cry/temper tantrum/meltdown that I’ve been battling, I return to my life with more capacity and flexibility to handle what comes. I suddenly see creative solutions that were previously obscured to me.
I stop fighting with what is — both the circumstances and the feelings I have about them. And that leaves space for focusing on what I can control — whether it’s adjusting my month goals or shifting my actions for the week or changing the energy I’m bringing to caring for the kid who’s home sick.
So the next time you’re faced with one of those famous “course correcting” moments Betsy talks about so much in The Creative Path, when you have to accept what you simply cannot change and adjust, but you’re finding yourself resisting — see if there are some unresolved FEELS. And then see if you can take a minute and let them out.
And now, some helpful things to remember/caveats!!:
Feelings are not facts. They are real and valid and exist, but they are also transient and ever changing.
Emotions, even intense ones, are like a wave. They may seem like they are only growing larger and larger (and possibly to an overwhelming size), but know that they are impermanent — that the wave will crest, and you will come back down safely on the other side.
We can all have the tendency to either “throw logs on the fire” or “sweep things under the rug” (™ – Me). That is, we either lean into a story or a version of the story that AMPLIFIES the emotion and makes it gain strength – kind of like a storm moving over a warming ocean (sorry for the downer); or we try to pop out of the experience of the feeling in any number of ways (my personal favorite is to begin wrangling logistics in my head).
They are both completely natural and very human instincts to try to keep us safe and as such, deserve our compassion and respect.
However, if you notice yourself going into either of these protective habits and sense you would be better served in that moment to let the feelings flow, gently and kindly redirect your attention to the actual, physical experience of whatever the emotion is AT THAT MOMENT.THIS CAN BE TRIGGERING. Especially if you have a history of capital “T” Trauma. If you find yourself shifting into a sense of being frighteningly out of control (ie a panic attack, shutting down, getting flooded), TRUST YOURSELF AND STOP. (General life advice — never push through something that in your heart of hearts doesn’t feel right or safe just because you read it in a blog/saw it on instagram/etc.) If, however, the feelings have become a bit of a runaway train and you’re having a hard time regulating, two helpful techniques are to: slow your breathing, taking care to inhale through your nose & emphasizing a longer exhalation and ground yourself in your senses by noticing your surroundings (what do you see, hear, etc).
If this isn’t working for you and you just aren’t feeling your feelings, first, offer yourself some self compassion and see if you can allow howevermuch or in whatever way you’re experiencing your emotions to be okay. And also feel free to experiment with:
Listening to music that captures what you’re feeling and sing/dance along (this can sometimes lead to the big ‘ole cry that had previously eluded you);
Letting it out creatively — paint, draw, sculpt, play music, etc.;
Journaling about the feelings — this can also be a great way to capture any realizations after moving through step 3 as mentioned above.
Do not use this practice (or any other internet suggestion) as a replacement for working with a licensed mental health professional, if that’s the support you need. If you have a hunch that you’re in need of therapy (and really, who isn’t?) but feel overwhelmed by the project of finding a therapist, Psychology Today has a directory of therapists, which I’ve found helpful in finding a provider.
*The practice I describe above has grown from my personal experience as well as work with clients, and was heavily influenced my meditation practice and my therapist’s guidance (a devoted meditator herself). At its heart, this is a version of a self-compassion meditation, and there are other versions, if you’re inclined to investigate online (Tara Brach’s “R.A.I.N” method is one good example).
I’m laying out this variation because language matters — sometimes the simplest shift in phrasing can make a concept suddenly click in a way it hadn’t before.
So give this, or any other intriguing ones you find, a shot and see what works. Combine them! Add your own special something! Make. It. Your. Own.